How could a God I had given my life to turn his back on me? Why would a God I had been told loved me more than anything, drop me and cause me to lose everything I’d ever done? What kind of God walks out on his kids? Who is this man that I said I loved and served? He left me just like my husband, and now what am I suppose to do?
Having grown up a PK, (preacher’s kid), all my life I was told who I was and what I was going to do when I grew up. My parents were guiding me through life with all the knowledge they had and steering me in a way they thought best. Good intentions, but not what I was to ultimately discover on my OWN.
I married the weekend after I graduated from high school to a man that fit into the picture of the life I was encouraged to live. We were very successful for over 19 years in marriage and ministry. By the time I turned 27, I had two children and moved to a city I’d only visited once before to start a church. This would lead me into a whirlwind, where I ultimately found myself divorced, rejected, and alone. This is what brought me to my knees.
Here I was, 36 years old, messed up and lost. Everything I thought I knew was shaken and didn’t look or feel anything like it was suppose to. But this is where I found Him.
I began to talk to God out loud. I told him how hurt I was and how I doubted his very existence. I yelled at him, screamed at him. Looking back, I laugh because for a person who doubted there was a God, I sure talked to him a lot…lol. After throwing my temper tantrums, I decided to search out my OWN salvation. The God I had been brought up serving and believing in doesn’t seem to be anything like what I was told, so I want to find out for myself.
I bought books about every religion I could find. I spread them out in my living room and begin the journey to find my spirituality. I told my Dad, who is still a Preacher to this day, that I was on a soul searching path. I respected what he and mom had taught me, but I had come to realize that my belief system was theirs and not my OWN. As I began to study all these diverse faiths, they all appeared to be so similar in their general directions. But it was the foundation that was different. It all came down to…What is the foundation of what you believe, Angie?
In the midst of my searching, I woke up one day with a condition called Bell’s Palsy. I was paralyzed on the entire right side of my face. There is no cure and it could last indefinitely. By this time, I was so fed up with all the blows life had dealt me. And, the way I had been dealing with them wasn’t making me any better. So, I decided to use this opportunity to TEST God. I told him, I would begin to speak only faith-filled words, as I had been taught, and PRAISE my way through with songs of deliverance. Up to this point in life, it was all I knew. So I did. I laughed at myself, praised and worshiped my way through this awful time to see if God was truly a healer. This would be my sign.
As time passed, a little over four months later, I woke up one day and it was completely gone! HEALED!!! This was the day, my faith was restored.
Here I am today, at the age of 50, and I NOW have an answer when I am asked, why I believe what I believe. It is my OWN journey that set me up to find this spiritual place, I call home. I OWN my spirituality! No one can take it from me. Life may take all my stuff, but it will NEVER take my FAITH!